INTRODUCTION

I introduced myself in my profile. Here I’d like to take this opportunity to also share with you my background and some of the past experiences I’ve had which have ultimately lead me to ROSE.

FROM THE BEGINNING

I have been overweight virtually all my life. As far back as I can remember (probably around age 5 or so) I have experienced ridicule, insult and teasing as a result of my size. To further compound matters, I got glasses and a retainer in 5^th or 6^th grade, so that merely added “insult to injury!” Tears became a commonplace in my life. Some of the names I distinctively remember being called include:

• Fatty, fatty two by four
• Shelley big belly
• Thunder thighs
• Buffalo butt
• The Titanic
• Four eyes
• Buck teeth
• Hubba-bubba
• Geek

I still remember my dear mom trying to console my broken heart by saying things like: “You’re not fat honey, you’ve just got thick skin!” Only a loving mother’s words could be so kind, yet so far from the truth all in the same breath. Have you ever heard the saying “Sticks and stones will break our bones, but names will never hurt us?” I still wonder who came up with that one, because it certainly isn’t an accurate depiction of the truth. Names do hurt us – no matter how much we say they don’t. Welcome to reality!

I only had a couple of friends throughout my grade school and junior high years.

The “cool / popular” kids ignored me or teased me, so I found myself trying to buy friendships. I would offer to do their homework and give them bubble gum in an attempt to gain their friendship and acceptance. Although my offers were often accepted, I soon discovered the friendships didn’t necessarily follow the game plan. 

By the time I reached junior / senior high, and boys became and important element of a girls life, naturally I was the one without a “boyfriend.” I often heard things like: “You’ve got a pretty face, but…” OR “We’re too good of friends to date.” The reality was plain and simple: I was just too fat to be seen with on that level. 

I tried various diets (not all healthy ones either) in an attempt to lose weight so I would “fit in” better. My weight went up and down for a while, but in the end, I was still a thick girl. 

I tried to compensate for my weight my accentuating my better features. I maintained my hair fairly well, and I took a compulsive interest in make-up. I bought every kind and color available, and scrutinized every glamour magazine I could get my hands on so I could master the latest application techniques. I was bound and determined to transform my appearance at whatever cost. Unfortunately, make-up couldn’t take care of it all.  

My sense of self continued to deteriorate as the years went by. I found myself becoming an introvert, not socializing with many people at all. In my early years of senior high school, my social activities included bowling and playing cards with my mom and her lady friends. 

Although I always maintained myself academically speaking (graduated with honors even), I began to let myself go in other areas. I tried to shield my pain by dabbling in alcohol, which I abused for a while. I thought about suicide often, and even made one dreadful attempt at it.  

I drove a 1965 Mercury Comet when I was in high school (which I was teased about), and I wasn’t always able to sport a stylish and trendy wardrobe because of my size. Back then, plus size women’s apparel didn’t always have a youthful and vibrant appeal.  

I remember wanting desperately to go to my high school proms, but I was missing one important element – a date. My brother took a friend of mine my junior year, so my cousin bailed me out and came with me. It wasn’t a bad idea; we just didn’t say he was my cousin. I didn’t have a date my senior year either, so a friend / co-worker of mine escorted me so I wouldn’t miss out on the festivities. Despite the fact that I had a great time both years, it wasn’t everything I had hoped it would be.

THE SAGA CONTINUES INTO ADULTHOOD

Although I actually entered the work world before I graduated from high school, it wasn’t until after graduation that I pursued an administrative position in “Corporate America.” 

I distinctively remember the day when I received a phone call at my office advising me that my friend (the one who escorted me to my senior prom) took his own life. He too, suffered from a low self-esteem, got caught up in drugs and ultimately committed suicide. This devastating event changed my life and outlook forever. It’s disheartening that it took something this severe for me to see how precious life was, but I was absolutely sickened by the thought that WE sometimes empower others to the extent that THEY actually determine OUR sense of self … and ultimately our actions. We allow ourselves to lose control; and that was exactly the path I was headed down myself at one time.

Throughout my career, I’ve held a number of positions with various companies. I’ve had the misfortune of experiencing harassment and discrimination in the workplace as a direct result of my size. This became very apparent after I lost a substantial amount of weight (something I’ll explain in greater detail later.)

The few relationships I was involved in with men were destructive and abusive (both physically and emotionally). I think I wore a “vulnerable” magnet on my forehead, because I always attracted men that were manipulative in nature. Naturally I wore my heart on my sleeve, so I was sucked in by anyone who showed me a little attention. Men could sense that too I think, because they certainly played on it if given the opportunity. I do, however, take responsibility for misinterpreting attention for love. I think I wanted to experience love so badly that I let my imagination run wild.

When I went out with the girls, I typically was the “table holder” and the “purse watcher.” That seemed to be my primary role for the evening, so while sitting alone, my alcohol consumption increased. I wasn’t overly flattered being the last one at the table asked to dance either (after everyone else denied the request.)

A few years went by and I had two children. When my boys were still quite young, I decided to pursue having a gastric bypass (a surgical procedure to lose weight.) At that point, my primary reason for pursuing such an extreme weight loss procedure was for the sake of my children. I saw my roommate wrestling / playing with my kids on the floor – something I was unable to physically do myself at the time. I didn’t want to deprive my children of activities I couldn’t or wouldn’t do because of my size (i.e., sports, swimming etc.) nor did I want to let life “just pass me by,” so I took a leap of faith. It was a scary, and potentially life threatening undertaking for me, but I felt the benefits outweighed the risk.

The surgery was a huge success! My weight loss helped me accomplish my original goal PLUS it helped me medically and emotionally. It made me feel better about myself and was a genuine confidence booster!

By the same token, I was amazed at how my appearance changed people’s opinions and perceptions of me. I was the same me on the inside, but I had a slimmer body. I was still “technically” a plus size woman, but significantly smaller than I’d previously been. Some of the unexpected changes I experienced included:

• Men who previously wouldn’t have given me the time of day became suddenly interested in me. In some cases, these were the very guys that teased me all through school.

• My employer, who previously harassed me, now took on an entirely different view of my “skill level!” Isn’t that interesting? After all, I still typed, transcribed and conducted business the same way I always had, yet I was perceived to be a better “asset” for the company after the weight loss.

• Women either befriended me OR resented me.

After a number of years went by, I married a black man and had two more boys. I’ve never lost all the weight gain from my last pregnancy, so I continue fighting the weight game even now. I compare that game to a roller coaster ride that I never get off of. My weight is something I’d still like to have better control of, however, it doesn’t plague me now like it did in my earlier days. I’m not obsessed with it, nor do I allow it to affect who I am.  

What I do find surprising, however, is that adults can be as cruel (if not worse) than kids in terms of name calling and insulting others.

• When it comes to children, I tend to give them a little latitude. I go on the philosophy that they don’t always think before they speak, they don’t know any better, OR they simply have a “slip of the tongue.”

• On the other hand, I expect more from adults. I’m literally in awe when I hear some of the blatant and cruel things that have been said to me directly (be it weight related or racial slurs) and to my family.

• I can only pray that ignorance is not inherited or contagious!

• Our children, however, mimic what they see and hear. We sometimes forget about “monkey see, monkey do.”  We must make a conscious effort to remember that WE ARE our children’s leaders.

I realize now that as individuals, we are responsible for our own level of self-esteem. We must take ownership of our life and accountability for our actions without allowing the opinions of others to influence us. What makes this personally challenging for me sometimes is that:

• Despite the fact that we’re told not to allow the opinions of others to influence us, we’re at the mercy of someone else’s opinion of us (subjective) virtually everyday – yet in a sociably acceptable forum.

- When we’re in school, teachers evaluate us not only on measurable academic scores, but also on attitude, effort and behavior – all seen from their point of view.

- When we enter the work force, our bosses rate us through performance evaluations that also include much more than measurable performance topics. They too, evaluate our level of cooperation, attitude, initiatives etc. Once again, from their perspective. Furthermore, their “opinion” essentially determines our financial future and our opportunity for career growth.

- When we participate in various sporting events, calls made by umpires and referees can make or break a game – again, based on their opinion.

• Granted, without structure and guidelines, life would be chaotic no doubt. These professionals are trained in their field to make such evaluations, but the point I make is that we must realize and accept that in certain situations, we truly are at the mercy of someone else’s opinion (regardless of what our own might be.) We must still maintain our self-esteem even when someone else makes a negative comment about us.

• This example helps illustrate why children may have a difficult time shrugging off being teased. We tell them to disregard what someone may have called them, saying their opinion doesn’t matter. By the same token, they know their teacher’s opinion of them matters – thus they can’t easily differentiate what information they should absorb and what they should disregard.

CONCLUSION

I’ve just shared a snapshot version of my life with you in a relatively intimate manner. My story is not intended to focus on weight problems, the importance of men, racial adversities or the affects of teasing. Nor am I crying the blues is search for your sympathy, because these experiences have certainly made me a stronger person. (I’ve always said that a paved road makes for an easy walk – while a graveled one makes our feet tougher and more durable.)  Instead, it was my goal merely to illustrate where I’ve come from, so that you might understand I feel so passionate about R.O.S.E..

We’ve all felt inadequate at times, and have survived many painful experiences, but have we truly overcome those issues and allowed ourselves to live and be happy?

Have we discovered what it feels like to have a healthy self-esteem (one that balances our self-competence with self-worth)?

Because our level of self-esteem is truly seen through our actions (our ability to make conscious and appropriate decisions) in our daily lives, can you honesty say that your actions and behaviors are a reflection of how you feel? Do you treat others in the same manner in which you EXPECT to be treated?

I’ve personally come a long way in life, and am continuously improving my level of self-esteem. I don’t profess to be an expert in the field, nor do I possess medical certifications is psychology or anything such thing, but I do KNOW the importance of having a healthy and balanced self-esteem.

I intend to continue educating myself in this arena, and would appreciate your support in promoting R.O.S.E. as well.   

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